Question: During a recent meditation, I realized there has always been part of my mind in which I 'try to be good'. This part tries to figure out 'the rules' and then abide by them, as if my safety and success depended on it. This occurs primarily in my spiritual life, as I would try to learn what the Guru wanted of me and then carry out his orders. But it wasn't really carrying out his orders in loving seva, but a seeking for my own security and understanding. That if I did things 'the right way' I would be safe and protected. Somehow I realized last night that this was ego, just ego. I also felt Swamiji was the inspiration for this realization, that His personality is one that brings us to 'freedom', not to 'being good.' That Ardhanarishvara is too free, too wild, to be held in a container of the mind, and if I want to know Him/Her then I needed to somehow break this neediness.
Mind wants to be holding on to the dualities of either of the two, either the good or the bad. Rejecting a bad or good is simply imagination. There is neither good nor bad. One Self exists and the sadhak shall not try to define it in any way. Just become quiet. When a real experience of the Self occurs, there is tranquilized quietness. No definitions are there because mind has been absorbed into the Self. Swamiji is the Self. You are right that the mind needs to break neediness.